5 Legitimate Ways To Piss Off Security Guards

Posted by Bars And Nightclubs on 14/9/15.

So have you ever felt the need to add fuel to the fire to see how big the blaze can get? Ever seen the stern look on a security guard’s face and felt the need to try get a reaction out of him/her? It’s like trying to get a reaction out of those soldiers with the big black bearskin caps; it can be funny in a totally disruptive way, yet you don’t think about the consequences until you poke too much and cop what you deserve (uh oh!). These are all anecdotal accounts that I have witnessed in nightclubs, so brace yourselves.

1. The Typical Sneaky Alcohol Manoeuvre
Trying to sneak a bottle or two of scotch into the nightclub so that you don’t need to strain your bank account by buying drinks at skyrocketing prices. Now, you may be able to get away with a flask if you’re lucky enough, but carrying a big bag with a couple of bottles in it and thinking that you’re all sweet for the night is just not going to cut it for you. If you want to meet the owner of the club, this tactic is 99% guaranteed to make that happen, and you may even cop a ‘Who do you think you are, trying to sneak alcohol into my club?’ remark with accusing eyes and a contorted face expression. Yep ladies and gentlemen, you’re only justified to try out #1 if you’re already intoxicated or extremely optimistic.

2. Collapsing On The Podium/Stage
Okay, if you’re hyped up enough to get onto the podium or stage and show off your rad dance moves, at least ensure that you can stay upright. And don’t even try and invite your drunk friend up there either, because if they’re intoxicated enough, they may even collapse on top of you or completely knock you off the podium altogether, and security will definitely get involved afterwards and escort your bruised ass out without hesitation. (Not a good way to kickstart your night!).

3. Trying To Drunkenly Slut Drop/Perform A ‘Wiggle’
When that ‘Wiggle’ song by Jason Derulo comes on, and you’re trying to execute a slut drop and showcase your bootylicious moves, just make sure you can physically get back up again, because if you stack it and fall on your ass (like #2), you immediately become a sitting hazard for everybody else to trip over or step on and security will not like that at all.

4. Starting A Brawl With Security Because They Won’t Let You Into The Club
You’re just too drunk and unable to function in a socially appropriate way. Your inhibitions are lowered and you feel like you’re on top of the world and that you can do anything, so why should these arseholes get in your way? Well you know what, they’re most likely stopping you for a reason, and instead of persisting to get your way, you can sulk on your way home with a cheeseburger in your hand.

5. Puke All Over Them
So you’re feeling a little too nauseous, and suddenly you feel like you’re about to regurgitate your stomach’s contents out all over the floor, and you make a desperate run for the toilet but instead it all comes flooding out onto the security guard standing nearby. I can assure you that this will earn you a red card; you have just ruined his expensive suit and shiny new black shoes. He’s also going to smell really, really bad and will probably need at least a couple of showers to really get the smell of your vomit off him, and he will not be happy about that. Out you go and don’t ever come back.

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