Posted by Bars And Nightclubs on 5/10/15.
Story of every clubber’s life: having to come up with a way to nicely let down that guy who’s damn persistent. I like to call them ‘stage five clingers’, and I believe that should become an actual dictionary term because some people can be overly obsessive. Stage five clingers will usually shower you with ridiculous pick-up lines and wreak of desperation, and their clinginess knows no bounds. Most victims of the stage five clinger will apologetically reject him or avoid eye contact and just walk off, but often they’ll find that he will just refuse to get the hint and trail after them like a lovesick puppy.
Some people can’t be bothered adding icing on top of the cake, so they just bluntly reject stage five clingers without a second thought. Most of us, however, fumble for an excuse to try to be courteous because we don’t want to be downright rude. After all, we would hate it if it happened to us, so we try to be decent about it at least. (Unless he’s a massive asshole!).
1. The Typical ‘I’m Taken’ Excuse
It is tragically overused, but is mostly effective unless the guy sees right through it or thinks that sharing is caring (which it generally isn’t!). Sometimes men can be really whiny and ask, “So where is he then?”. That’s when you have to start talking about how tough your imaginary boyfriend is. Start exaggerating on how he’s a black belt in karate and has a really short temper, and how he tends to be really possessive of you and doesn’t like you talking to other guys. When the guy’s face is white and he’s speechless or stuttering incoherently, you know you’ve done your job right.
2. Tell Them That You’re Gay Or ‘Don’t Sway Their Way’
Usually the guy will be too shocked to say anything else, since he just wasn’t expecting that at all and has just lost his hope of scoring you. You do get your occasional dickhead saying that he’s always wanted to experiment with a lesbian couple or whatever, but you can just muster up an outraged response and then use #1 to scare him away.
3. Gross Him Out
If you really want to get creative, you can go along with him and then start talking about all your worst habits. Have a toenail chewing habit? Bring it out on the table sister. Or you can just invent some really gross habit, like how you can’t be bothered brushing your teeth a lot of the time because you’re too lazy. You tend to have really bad breath in the mornings. Or you can’t help it if you’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina! (Most of you should know that last movie quote! If you don’t, it’s from Mean Girls. The bad breath quote is also from that movie too; it’s a classic after all!).
4. Start Acting Like A Whiny Drama Queen
Stage five clingers generally like to chase women, but you’ll find that most of them will back off if you become too melodramatic. So all you really have to do is give them a taste of their own medicine – start confiding in him like you would to your best friend. Talk about how much weight you’ve gained and then whine on and on about how all men are stuffed up and how your ex-friend slept with your boyfriend and how you just can’t trust men anymore. Thank him for letting you cry on his shoulder, and then keep whining on and on about your woes and perceived flaws. Even use his shirt to wipe your fake tears or your nose or whatever, just to add that extra spark. I can mostly guarantee that he will freak the hell out and try to escape you in any way he can.
5. Let Your Gal Pals Help You Out
If you feel that you can’t get rid of a stage five clinger, that’s when you rely on your friends to help you out instead. After all, that’s what friends are for! They can drag you away from him and dance with you and just not give him the time of the day. Unless he’s overly desperate, he should eventually lose motivation and give up. If he happens to catch you while you’re alone and your friends are elsewhere, just run off to the bathroom and stay there for a while – that should work.